Wedding Business Solutions

Stop asking "How are you doing?"

• Alan Berg, CSP, Global Speaking Fellow

Share episode

Stop asking ‘how are you doing?’

How often do you start a conversation with "How are you doing?" without truly caring about the answer? What if there were better ways to start a conversation that would lead to more meaningful interactions? In this episode, I delve into why this question often falls flat and suggest alternative approaches to improve your engagement with clients. Discover how asking more thoughtful questions can enhance your connections and improve your business interactions.

Listen to this new 6-minute episode for tips on asking better questions that truly matter and create meaningful conversations.
Episode Summary: 
In this episode of the Wedding Business Solutions podcast, I delve into why the common question, "How are you doing?" often falls flat in professional interactions. Drawing inspiration from telemarketer calls and Chris Voss's book "Never Split the Difference," I explain how this question usually lacks genuine care and serves no purpose. Instead, I suggest more meaningful alternatives like asking, "What's new and exciting for you?" or "What do you love about what you do?" These questions can foster deeper connections and more productive conversations. Join me as I share practical tips to improve your communication skills and make your interactions more impactful.

If you have any questions about anything in this, or any of my podcasts, or have a suggestion for a topic or guest, please reach out directly to me at Alan@WeddingBusinessSolutions.com or visit my website Podcast.AlanBerg.com 

Please be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave a review (thanks, it really does make a difference). If you want to get notifications of new episodes and upcoming workshops and webinars, you can sign up at www.ConnectWithAlanBerg.com  

View the full transcript on Alan’s site: https://alanberg.com/blog/


Mon. Feb. 17th, Las Vegas, NV - Save $100 with this link: https://tinyurl.com/LVMini100

Mon. Feb. 24th, Miami, FL - https://events.humanitix.com/nawp

I'm Alan Berg. Thanks for listening. If you have any questions about this or if you'd like to suggest other topics for "The Wedding Business Solutions Podcast" please let me know. My email is Alan@WeddingBusinessSolutions.com. Look forward to seeing you on the next episode. Thanks.

Listen to this and all episodes on Apple Podcast, YouTube or your favorite app/site:

©2025 Wedding Business Solutions LLC & AlanBerg.com

Stop asking, how are you doing? Listen to this episode. See where this came from. Hey, it's Alan Berg. Welcome back to another episode of the Wedding Business Solutions podcast. I think I saw this on somebody else's reel or somewhere online where somebody said, I wish the telemarketers would stop asking how are you doing? When they really don't care. And I get the same thing. Somebody calls up and that's the first thing. Somebody I don't know and they're asking how I'm doing.

You don't know me. Do you really care how I'm doing? I shouldn't say that. Maybe you do. Maybe you're just an empathetic person and you do care how I'm doing. But it's a question that serves no purpose in that particular situation as opposed to something that might be more relevant to that situation. So if you've heard me talk about different books, one called Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, former chief hostage negotiator of the FBI, I think was the first audiobook I ever listened to twice. And they said if you want to get real yes, you could get somebody to say no, such as hi, is now a bad time? And if they say no, it's fine. That's a real good yes.

Because he said there were three kinds of yes. There was a counterfeit yes where they say yes, but they don't mean it. There was a confirmation yes where they, they mean it but you kind of have to hear them say yes a couple of times. And a commitment yes where it's yes, I mean it and there you go. And that no, of no, no, now's a fine time is really a commitment. Yes. But that throwaway line there. So if you're meeting with couples, and I know a lot of you, you know, how did you meet? And stuff like that.

It's fine if you're going to get some information that might help you, but think about follow ups, like when you're having other conversations with them instead of how you doing. It could be, hey, what's new and exciting for you? Right? Maybe that's something that you might get there instead. But the people that think about how many people have asked you how are you doing? When you know they really don't care. And it's just this line. It's kind of like in your emails when you've heard me say not to say congratulations on your recent engagement, right? The first time they see that, it's very nice. The sixth, seventh, eighth time, it's a throwaway line. It's getting in the way of your message there. So start out better.

And I know in I've spoken about this, written about this, consulted and trained about this. I prefer you say, start your messages with something like thanks for reaching out of having me help you with and then a results based statement. So if you're a photographer, thanks for reaching out for having us help you capture the beautiful images and sights and emotions from your wedding. Right. That would be a better opening line than congratulations on your recent engagement, which doesn't get them any closer to photography. Right. So this got prompted enough for me to write this on my spreadsheet where I put these thoughts about the podcast put there and stop asking, how are you doing? And it probably happened to me that day as well, where somebody was like, how you doing? I'm like, I know you really don't care, right? Can we just get to this now? Maybe I'm more direct than some people. Maybe it's where I grew up.

I grew up in New York. I don't think that's a thing. I think you can be direct anywhere in the world. But it's. That line really has no bearing towards why I'm here and what we're doing. So let's make a little more specific to that. So just think about the next time you just reactively to say to somebody, how are you doing? Right. And I don't mean when they say to you, how are you doing? And you say, I'm fine.

How are you? Right. Could we get past that? Is there a better opening line? Is there something better to say? Maybe this was just a soapbox episode, but next time somebody says to you, how are you doing? Just think about it. Was that necessary? Did they really care? Do they want to know the answer? I used to call my grandmother when I was on the road doing sales, doing outside sales in the car. I would call my grandmother sometimes because I didn't get to see her often because we're about 60, 70 miles away. And I call up and I'd say, grandma, how you doing? And she would start telling me now she was well up into her 80s, then she passed at 92, so she might have been close to that even. And she would start telling me about what hurt all the ailments that she had going on, which probably weren't that different from the last time we spoke. So I would stop her and say, humor me. And she would change, her tone would change.

I could hear her smiling on the other end of the phone. And she'd go, I'm doing great, darling. How are you? Right. So that became our thing, all right? Our shtick, if you will. If you know what a shtick is. It's. It's a little. A little gimmick between us.

And she. I'd say, how you doing? And she would start to tell me. I'd say, humor me. And she say, I'm doing great, darling. That became just our little thing between us because I did care how she was doing, but I probably already knew that already from my mother. And at her age, it was the same ailments that were ailing her the last time that I spoke to her. So did I care? Yes, but it was. I get.

I'm saying, how you doing? I probably had a. Could have had a better question for her. I'll give you another example of this. If you have children, your children go to school, they come home and you say, how was school today? And they say, good. And say, you know, what did you learn? Nothing. What did you learn? Or what did you do? Nothing. Well, I think you did something. You were there for six hours or seven hours or eight hours.

So I learned that ask my sons a different question. Instead of, how was school today? I'd say, what was the most fun thing that happened at school today? And then you would hear the thing that humored them. You would hear them talk about Billy's, you know, spit milk out of his nose because he laughed so hard. Or somebody did something and it was funny. Right? We're having a conversation about something that happened instead of, how was school? Good? What did you do? Nothing. Right? And you've probably heard that from your kids, if you have them. So let's learn to ask better questions, questions that get people talking. Another good one is if you're a networking event and you ask someone, you know for the first time you meet them, and what do they do? Ask them, what do you love about that? And watch them light up.

If they do love something about it, hopefully light up and tell you the passion about what got them into what they do and what they love most about it. It's a better question. And by the way, when their endorphins start rushing, then they will feel better about you and like you better, and you'll have a better connection. Okay, getting off the softbox now. Hope that gave you something to think about. Next time somebody says, how you doing? When you know they probably don't care, you'll think of this.

I’m Alan Berg. Thanks for listening. If you have any questions about this or if you’d like to suggest other topics for “The Wedding Business Solutions Podcast” please let me know. My email is Alan@WeddingBusinessSolutions.com or you can  text, use the short form on this page, or call +1.732.422.6362, international 001 732 422 6362. I look forward to seeing you on the next episode. Thanks.

Listen to this and all episodes on Apple Podcast, YouTube or your favorite app/site:

©2025 Wedding Business Solutions LLC & AlanBerg.com


People on this episode

Contributor

Alan Berg, CSP, Global Speaking Fellow

Host